I’ve noticed the following symptoms in the past 24 hours:
I’m about 12 days from my period, so I know it isn’t that. Not yet, anyway. My temp this morning was up .6 degrees, so I’m thinking that I ovulated, but I won’t know for sure for a few more days.
I’m sure it’s all psychosomatic and I’m totally imagining it, but I can’t help but wonder if something’s going on “in there.”
Huh…
As of this past Sunday, we are officially, for the first time ever, trying to conceive. As in, trying to conceive AN ACTUAL HUMAN BABY. (I KNOW, RIGHT??!!?!) Who am I and what happened to the old “I don’t know if we’ll ever have children” me?
To help us in our baby endeavors, I signed up for my very own Fertility Friend VIP membership, I’m checking my temperature every morning at 4 a.m. (even on non-work days), and I know way more about cervical mucus than I ever realized was possible. So far, its been an interesting and very educational experience. I had no idea there could be so much science and so many acronyms involved in trying to start a family.
Both of our moms are infinitely excited about this recent step forward and, to be honest, so am I. I still can’t believe I’m “here” – that we’re “here” - but it feels right. It feels good. Granted, I’m scared out of my damn mind, but I imagine most women are the first time around. Right? Right??? (Okay, I’m going to pretend like the entire internet just nodded at me in unison so that I don’t feel like I’m standing in moth-eaten underwear in front of a crowded auditorium.)
I know this is probably TMI, but we’ve, um, “tried” the past two days in a row because, according to my cervix, it’s a good time to do so. And now, the waiting, waiting, waiting begins until I can take a pregnancy test. I don’t know if we’ll be lucky enough to conceive during our first month of trying, but I guess we shall see. I just wish I could find out instantaneously. The wondering is definitely not my favorite part of the process so far. And of course, along with the wondering comes the constant questions – “Did my boob just hurt for a second there?” “Wait, do I feel nauseous?” “My sense of smell seems stronger all of the sudden, doesn’t it?” And I don’t even know for sure that I’ve ovulated yet!!!!!! My lord, at this rate I’m going to drive myself crazy before Christmas.
One interesting part of this process that I didn’t anticipate was how much in love and head over heels I would feel towards my husband. For example, we were having a very average evening last night (after the super fun and awesome TTC portion 
), and as I watched him walk away from the car and into the local Hungry Howie’s to pick up our pizza, I got this overwhelming feeling of love and respect and appreciation for him – right there in the stupid Hungry Howie’s parking lot! I don’t know exactly what it was that brought it on last night, but it almost made me cry! For the first time in the almost ten years that we’ve been together, I find myself thinking: that man will be the father of my children – OUR children. Which, whoa, even now… overwhelming. I guess I just didn’t realize how meaningful this would all be and how many deep emotions it would inspire.
It’s crazy, I tell ya! Crazy GOOD, that is. 
For the first time in my adult life, I feel ready to start a family. And if you only knew how long it took me to be able to feel that, not to mention write it out in actual words, you’d… You’d um… Well… You’d do something totally crazy and outrageous to demonstrate your utter shock and amazement!
I’ve never experienced the “I-want-a-baby” crazies like some women do. I’ve never oohed and ahhed over teeny, tiny baby clothes. I’ve never pictured myself pushing a stroller, or wiping a runny nose, or holding hands with a toddler while crossing the street. I’ve never wanted the life change or the tremendous responsibility or the “forever and ever” committment that comes with having children. Rather, I’ve always been happy being “just” a wife, lawyer, and a doggy mommy. I’ve always loved doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and not having to worry about anyone but myself. I’ve always loved napping on weekend afternoons, eating ice cream for dinner if the mood strikes, and calling in sick to take spontaneous road trips to places we’ve never been. That’s just me. That’s just who I am.
But somehow, that’s all beginning to change. And I gotta admit, it’s totally FREAKING ME OUT!
I’m still not at the point of the “I-want-a-baby” crazies. I don’t know if I ever will be. Having children simply isn’t a “do or die” situation for us. If we’re fortunate enough to get pregnant someday, that’s wonderful, and if we’re not, that’s wonderful, too. Whatever happens, we’ve decided we’ll be happy with the outcome. We’ve also decided that we won’t use any form of medical intervention to get pregnant. We’re going to let the chips (or, um, sperm?) fall where they may.
It’s very strange for me – even at age 35 – to feel this readiness to start a family. It’s taken me a very long time to get here. In fact, there was a time in my life I wasn’t sure I’d ever get here. I distinctly remember talking with my husband 3 years ago about starting a family. We were sitting in the car in the parking lot of our favorite market, finishing up a lunch conversation about babies before we did our grocery shopping. My husband was just starting to feel the “I-want-a-baby” crazies at that time (he’s always been more ready for children than me) and while trying to figure out when a good time to start trying would be, I broke out into hives and started crying and hyperventilating. It was both embarrassing and telling; I was obviously not ready to think about starting a family. Correct me if I’m wrong, but hives and hyperventilation are usually not “good” signs.
But like I said, that’s all beginning to change. I don’t know if it’s the experience of having raised two dogs (from 6 week old puppies) in the past two years? I don’t know if it’s maturity? I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m feeling more grounded and settled and content than I have in long time? Or maybe it’s some combination of all of the above? Whatever it is, I’m no longer scared out of my mind. I can sit here and write about it and there are no tears, no hives, and no hyperventilating. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think it will be hard and terrifying and amazing when it happens. I know it absolutely will be. But at least I’m starting to feel ready for all of that. I’m starting to look forward to the challenge. I’m starting to look forward to a lifestyle that’s a little less selfish. I’m starting to look forward to the possibility of creating something that is a little piece of me and a little piece of the man I love more than anything or anyone in this world.
Wow.
We’ve tentatively decided to stop preventing pregnancy in late January of 2011. We’re waiting to figure out exactly when my husband will be done with his degree because a baby, a full-time lawyer, and a full-time college student don’t mix well. 
We’re pretty sure he will be done in August 2011, so having a baby no sooner than October 2011 would work nicely. We’ll have a lot more flexibility and options at that time.
I need to say it again: Wow. Just, wow.
Jesus, our moms are going to poop themselves when they hear about this.
I said I was going to start blogging regularly again in JULY and it’s now the end of SEPTEMBER. Seriously, where did the time go? It bothers me a lot when I look back and can’t remember entire weeks (or even worse, months) of my life. It makes me feel like time is slipping away at warp speed and I’m not doing enough to truly enjoy it. But I imagine this is what life is like for a lot of people. We work, we come home, we spend time with our loved ones, and we get back up and do it all over again the next day. Such is the life of those who aren’t independently wealthy.
Work was all sorts of crazy during the month of September. I worked over 50 hours of overtime in a little over 3 weeks, which is pretty substantial for me. My work weeks are usually 40 hours on the dot. September is the end of the Government’s fiscal year and I’m always busiest during that time. It feels strange to admit this, but I don’t remember portions of this September. It seems like all I did was work, eat, and sleep. Today, however, is the last day of the month and tomorrow marks the start of a quiet and more predictable stretch of time ahead. I personally cannot wait. This past month has really worn me out.
I do remember one important thing about September 2010. For the first time in my life, I was admitted to the hospital. Towards the end of August, I developed a pretty serious case of poison ivy in my left arm and, somehow, one of the open poison ivy sores became infected by bacteria. Lo and behold, that bacteria spread and caused a condition in my arm called cellulitis. (Google that shit, it’s no joke.) I went to see my doctor on September 7th thinking that the poison ivy was causing all of the pain and inflammation and that she would prescribe some sort of cream for my arm. Well, she ended up sending me to the emergency room. They admitted me within an hour so that they could administer IV antibiotics and fluids. Apparently, the bacterial infection needed aggressive treatment. They discharged me the next afternoon with a double prescription for oral antibiotics to kill any remaining bacteria and strict instructions to return to the emergency room if my arm flared up again or I developed a fever. Here are some super fun pictures documenting the whole event…
This is what my arm looked like before I went to my doctor’s appointment. Pretty gross, huh?
And this was my super awesome IV (which seems to have permanently damaged the vein in my hand because it now sticks up and looks all lumpy).
And this is what I did while I was in the hospital for two days. I worked. Because I’m apparently THAT DEDICATED to my job. The nurses found my dedication amusing (and kind of sad).
So that my friends, was September.
I can’t think of anything eventful that happened in August. It was damn hot outside, that’s for sure. Oh! And the husband and I went to my family’s cottage for a week. I’ll dedicate an entire post to that sometime soon.
I’m really looking forward to a much quieter October, full of crock pot meals, cozy sweaters, pumpkins, donuts and cider, and the leaves on the trees in the woods behind our house changing colors. I absolutely love and adore this time of year!
I got in a (very minor) car accident on my way home from work tonight.
I had stopped at the post office so that I could mail a couple of packages. I sell stuff on Ebay sometimes and I had two bottles of Proactiv Repairing Lotion I needed to send to winning bidders. This detail isn’t at all important to the story, but I find it sort of interesting that I got in an accident at the post office because I hardly ever have occasion to go there. Anyhoo! When I was about half way backed out of my parking space, I noticed in my rearview mirror that the car behind me had shifted into reverse and was backing up too. I immediately stepped on my brakes but it did me no good – the car behind me backed up so quickly that it slammed right into the back of my car.
The other driver hopped out right away to survey the damage. I pulled forward into my parking spot, turned off my car and did the same. When we finally met face to face, I asked the other driver (a very polite older gentleman named Randolph) whether or not he saw me before he slammed into me and he admitted that no, he didn’t. In fact (he went on to admit), he didn’t even look before he backed up. (Isn’t honesty fun?)
Randolph and I exchanged insurance information. The car he was driving isn’t even his – it belongs to his friend Bertram, apparently. (Seriously, what’s up with these names?) Bertram’s car (a 2005 Hyundai sedan) was less damaged than my car. There were a few scrapes and a small dent on Bertram’s rear quarter panel, while the rear bumper on my car was completely dented, scraped, and hanging half way off and my taillight was scraped and dislocated.
The insurance adjuster called this evening to discuss my claim and set up a time for me to bring my car in for estimates. It sounds like the whole process will be relatively painless. One thing that sort of surprised me about the whole ordeal was, we attempted to call the local police non-emergency line (thinking that they’d send someone out to take a report). However, unless someone is injured or the accident happens somewhere other than private property, the police in the city where I work won’t respond to car accidents. Am I the only one who thinks this is odd? I guess I thought that was something police always did? Guess not…
There will be more information to come – including a determination by the insurance adjuster as to which one of us is at fault in causing the accident (which is what I thought a police report was for, but…). I’m curious to hear whether or not Randolph will be as honest with the insurance adjuster as he was with me.
My poor car.
These really mean flies keep biting my poor Hankie (see his swollen eye?). I think they might be deer flies from the woods behind our house. The swelling goes away within a day or so and it certainly doesn’t make him any less smoochable!
It’s been a long time since I blogged. Like, a couple of years I think? Gosh, I don’t even remember. I used to love blogging and did it regularly for quite a while. But over time, it started to feel like more of a chore than an outlet, and I decided to take a break until I felt like writing again. And apparently? Today is the day I feel like writing again because here I am! I don’t really have anything specific to say – there isn’t much new or interesting or even remotely exciting going on in our lives right now. In fact, it’s been surprisingly status quo for the past couple of months (which, truth be told, is exactly the way I like it). But I’m getting the blog “itch” again, so here I am. I miss the catharsis that comes with writing: the purging of all the thoughts and feelings that clog up the inner workings of my brain and bore the heck out of my poor husband*.
So instead of boring the heck out of my poor husband, I’ll bore the heck out of you! And probably myself! You’re welcome!
(*For the record, my husband is a wonderful listener and, even when he doesn’t feel like it, he allows me to rant, vent, and ramble on (and on, and on, and on) - without complaint! It has to get pretty boring for him at times, even if he’d never admit it. I mean, what man *really* cares about the crazy antics of the dysfunctional people you work with or the fact that your nail beds have a lot more ridges in them than they used to or about that guy at the pet store who was totally staring at your boobs when you asked him to unload that shrink wrapped pallet of cat food so that you could buy 4 bags of it while it was still on sale for $9.99. Okay, maybe he would care about that last one… But all that other stuff? Yeah, he just listens because he’s such a good man.)
Long story short, I’ve missed you bloggy poo schmoopiekins! Let’s see if we can rekindle our relationship, at least for a little while.
