For the first time in my adult life, I feel ready to start a family. And if you only knew how long it took me to be able to feel that, not to mention write it out in actual words, you’d… You’d um… Well… You’d do something totally crazy and outrageous to demonstrate your utter shock and amazement!
I’ve never experienced the “I-want-a-baby” crazies like some women do. I’ve never oohed and ahhed over teeny, tiny baby clothes. I’ve never pictured myself pushing a stroller, or wiping a runny nose, or holding hands with a toddler while crossing the street. I’ve never wanted the life change or the tremendous responsibility or the “forever and ever” committment that comes with having children. Rather, I’ve always been happy being “just” a wife, lawyer, and a doggy mommy. I’ve always loved doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and not having to worry about anyone but myself. I’ve always loved napping on weekend afternoons, eating ice cream for dinner if the mood strikes, and calling in sick to take spontaneous road trips to places we’ve never been. That’s just me. That’s just who I am.
But somehow, that’s all beginning to change. And I gotta admit, it’s totally FREAKING ME OUT!
I’m still not at the point of the “I-want-a-baby” crazies. I don’t know if I ever will be. Having children simply isn’t a “do or die” situation for us. If we’re fortunate enough to get pregnant someday, that’s wonderful, and if we’re not, that’s wonderful, too. Whatever happens, we’ve decided we’ll be happy with the outcome. We’ve also decided that we won’t use any form of medical intervention to get pregnant. We’re going to let the chips (or, um, sperm?) fall where they may.
It’s very strange for me – even at age 35 – to feel this readiness to start a family. It’s taken me a very long time to get here. In fact, there was a time in my life I wasn’t sure I’d ever get here. I distinctly remember talking with my husband 3 years ago about starting a family. We were sitting in the car in the parking lot of our favorite market, finishing up a lunch conversation about babies before we did our grocery shopping. My husband was just starting to feel the “I-want-a-baby” crazies at that time (he’s always been more ready for children than me) and while trying to figure out when a good time to start trying would be, I broke out into hives and started crying and hyperventilating. It was both embarrassing and telling; I was obviously not ready to think about starting a family. Correct me if I’m wrong, but hives and hyperventilation are usually not “good” signs.
But like I said, that’s all beginning to change. I don’t know if it’s the experience of having raised two dogs (from 6 week old puppies) in the past two years? I don’t know if it’s maturity? I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m feeling more grounded and settled and content than I have in long time? Or maybe it’s some combination of all of the above? Whatever it is, I’m no longer scared out of my mind. I can sit here and write about it and there are no tears, no hives, and no hyperventilating. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think it will be hard and terrifying and amazing when it happens. I know it absolutely will be. But at least I’m starting to feel ready for all of that. I’m starting to look forward to the challenge. I’m starting to look forward to a lifestyle that’s a little less selfish. I’m starting to look forward to the possibility of creating something that is a little piece of me and a little piece of the man I love more than anything or anyone in this world.
Wow.
We’ve tentatively decided to stop preventing pregnancy in late January of 2011. We’re waiting to figure out exactly when my husband will be done with his degree because a baby, a full-time lawyer, and a full-time college student don’t mix well. 
We’re pretty sure he will be done in August 2011, so having a baby no sooner than October 2011 would work nicely. We’ll have a lot more flexibility and options at that time.
I need to say it again: Wow. Just, wow.
Jesus, our moms are going to poop themselves when they hear about this.
